When You’ve Never Fit In

Most of us aren’t completely satisfied with ourselves. Take me for example, I’m nowhere near it. I’m self-conscious about my body size, I always feel like an outsider, I’m a total dork, and so much more. I’ve learned to accept these things but not necessarily embrace them. I try to be confident, but that little voice inside my head will just never shut up. I’m always trying to suck in my stomach and avoid any and all eye contact. I don’t know what it is about me but I’ve never fit in. I probably never will and even though I’ve accepted it, being an outsider will never be fun. It’s never fun to sit by yourself because you’re so used to rejection, you won’t even try to go say hello to someone new because you’re barely sure your friends truly like you or you always feel left out of the loop. And then, there’s the dork in me. I’ve always been able to amuse myself. Only children are typically pretty good at lonely. But by getting good with my loneliness, I got very in touch with the weird. No one likes weird people as much as we all like to pretend we do. We can say we’re open to all these things and we might be open to letting people do as they please, but we’re not gonna wanna be friends with them. But back to me. Here I am at 18, still as self-conscious and scared as I was at 7 when I invited everyone to my birthday party and none of them came. Wanting to finally fit in and knowing I never will.